I certainly don’t feel like the same human being I was when I first became interested in The Stupendium catalogue. Toward the middle of 2021, I was quite the unstable teen, trying to mentally survive disconnection from humanity in Covid-era isolation, desperately grasping for any sense of personal identity, and needing something to connect with for some creative inspiration.
Then, an old friend of mine made a GRAVE mistake, a stupid hiccup of fate that might as well have changed the trajectory of my adolescent life. One so instrumental, I actually don’t have a clue what I’d be doing with my life now otherwise.
They made me listen to Vending Machine of Love.
And off down the rabbit hole I fell.
After that, it was Losing My Patients, then Rest Employed, Rogue’s Gallery, Fiend Like Me, A Matter Of Factories, Tune Into The Madness, Vault Number 76, The Data Stream – and before I knew it, this celestial, glittering, cosmic entity was bestowed upon me, brought into my world for it to revolve around as an impressive, but unfortunate beacon. Part sun, part bird.
Over course of the following 5 years, I have come to terms with my identity as a creative and an individual human being, created no less than 8 fleshed out stories inspired by my experiences that I wish to one day translate into musical theatre, willingly entered and exited the fandom several times due to my mental health, memorised 95% of the lore of OnlyCans and Polyarmoury, and to cap it all off, snagged a summer internship at a brand new games company thanks to a certain bee-loving game dev. And so, like a phoenix from the ashes, my connection with this community, for better or for worse, keeps getting resurrected and perching on my desk, peering down at my drawing tablet to snack on any creative offerings or insecurities that show themselves. Every time I think it’s petered out, some unfortunate moment flares up the ashes again, its form emerging slightly different, but it’s intent, it’s target all the same, just as if not even more intense and intimidating.
To put it simply, that cursed orange bird just refuses to die.
But hey, at least they’re paying me now. 😛
I’ve realised I should introduce myself as well – Hi, I’m Kai! I’m a new intern at Softworks working on 3D art for some of the projects in the pipeline. Some of you in the community may know me for being the ‘Lorekeeper’ in the OnlyCans and Polyarmory fandoms, or back from my days of drawing Stupendium fanart back around 2021-23. And as I said, the past 5 years have certainly changed me. Oh, and I also have a thing for metaphors that are as subtle as a town crier in a library. Go figure.
My description so far probably makes it out that this whole experience has been a chore, and while that may be true for the mental slog I’ve been through, the current internship itself is anything but! It’s truly challenged me to employ my knowledge of 3D art to a range of new and exciting tasks that ignite my inherent curiosity for puzzle solving. That being said, it certainly hasn’t been a cakewalk either, and there are quite a few good lessons I’ve learned already from my time with the wonderful team.
- Communication is key! – As all relationships in life go, human misunderstanding is bound to happen at one stage or another, and that’s ok! But if it can be reduced or negated altogether through the explanation of a fact not everyone knows, in a manner everyone can understand (even if it doesn’t paint you or the scenario in the best light), that means resources, including people’s time, can be spent on the things that actually matter. In a small machine, every cog is big enough to help keep it running, which makes it all the more important that they’re all spinning the correct directions in coordination with each other.
- Always keep an open mind to new ideas and suggestions – Compared to everyone else at Softworks, I understand that I’m still very young (no offense!), with little experience and a lot of things to learn, including Blender, which I’ve managed to teach myself the basics of in practically a matter of months. Thankfully, there are always people around me who can give me advice based on actual experience and knowledge. From any feedback gained, try to understand how and why it works, so that you can add that to your own ever-growing bank of knowledge and apply your Jedi training to future tasks!
- All that being said, relax too! – Once everyone on the team knows everyone else can be trusted to deliver the work necessary, there’s no point in stressing over ‘proving yourself’. Yes, a polite, professional first impression can help when meeting and getting to know new people you’re working with, to help convey that you care about the standard and quality of work being produced. However, beyond that point, once that initial trust has been formed, and everyone is confidently on the same page, you don’t need to worry about being anyone other than yourself. As long as a focus on the quality of the end product remains a priority, you’re allowed to have some fun and humour too, you’re human after all!
- Kill your perfectionism! – Again, once everyone’s well acquainted and trusts the work we can do, it doesn’t matter if mistakes occur or if something isn’t quite perfect. As long as you acknowledge it, nobody is gonna think less of you as a human being for showing something that you know needs improvement, whether you know how it should be improved or not. Besides, showing your work to other people can help with thinking of suggestions of how to improve it that you may not have even considered before, linking back to point 3. Nothing’s gonna be perfect on a first try, and that’s ok! You are not your work, and the quality of the work you produce isn’t gonna be used to judge you morally as a person, so don’t be afraid of that.
- This ain’t a competition: Trust in the process – In these lines of work, where self-confidence can be low and perceived pressure can be high, it’s VERY easy to compare yourself to others in your vicinity, and the quality/quantity of work they’re producing. This goes double-y for me, as I’ve not actually worked on a video game before, and certainly not a team as large as this, so I find myself often looking to others for the standard of the work I should be producing. And while yes, getting inspiration from others’ work is a great idea to improve your own, it shouldn’t be an excuse to put yourself down in the process. On top of all that, for me, this is an internship, so learning is all a part of the process – it may feel strange, but as long as everyone is saying you’re doing well, then you should (no matter what your brain thinks) TRUST. IN. THAT!
Although I’ve arguably been aware of these lessons for a long while (it’d be easy for me to say them to reassure someone else in the same scenario), teaching them to myself and making sure they stick has been a bit more of a challenge, like trying to fully decode and rewire my brain so that it works in the opposite direction.
Some days, I’ll wholeheartedly believe those lessons, and other days, I’ll completely backtrack and not trust a word of them, especially those regarding my own skills. Yeah, imposter syndrome can be a right pain in the arse (can I say arse in this? I feel like I’m British enough for it to pass), but each day, just by trusting in the team and the fact I’m here, it gets eroded away, piece by piece. The phoenix’s flames scold my skin a little less, the burning light becomes more bearable, its presence not as perpetually petrifying as I primitively perceived.
To be frank, most summers in the past I’ve mainly wasted away watching endless YouTube videos, making some progress in my creative endeavours, but still getting to the end feeling like I’ve wasted a few more precious months of my waning youth with nothing to show for it. In that way, I feel very honoured luck has been on my side this year, and while I admit it can occasionally get a little lonely working remotely in the later hours, modelling away in Blender with just me, my music and my overthinking thoughts in a bid to not disturb anyone, this opportunity has given me a strong source of motivation and has been fantastic fuel for productivity over the past months, and not just because of the money.
Knowing I’m contributing something to a team of people who have a similar creative drive as me, even if that segment is pretty small in the grander scope of the project, is a fantastic feeling. Discussing ideas, sharing progress, seeing the pieces all come together one by one, it’s very exciting stuff!
Linking back to the phoenix of it all, it’s also been a great honour to give something back to the community that was such a big force in shaping the person I am today. That blazing avian doesn’t feed as much on my insecurity now, more so my intentional creative offerings, of pride, of joy, in confidence and happiness, with growing trust that it won’t burn me to a crisp, and making it a little easier to coexist, even if it is a bonfire in my workplace. Most days, I just see it as warmth now, as long as I keep the paperwork on the other side of the desk.
Looking back on my fandom days, I know 15-year-old me would’ve given anything for an opportunity like this, and would be so stoked to know I’ve finally made it this far after merely dreaming and getting jealous for so long. Present day me is admittedly a little more jaded and chilled out about the reality of the situation. I know I would find a way, no matter if this opportunity actually did arise or not. It’s not the sole purpose for my existence anymore. And just saying that is so freeing. The phoenix can quietly perch on my shoulder while I tap and work away, and by some chance, not burn me at all. It doesn’t need to be here, but the fact that it is can’t hurt or change me for the worse anymore. I can just let it be. Exist. Y’know?
Overall, this internship so far has been endlessly valuable, mentally and skill-wise, as well as surprisingly fun! Although I can’t yet say exactly what the project is that I’m working on, I can say if that past me knew this was happening, they would’ve probably spontaneously combusted out of sheer excitement. Hell, now-me is still very hyped about the whole thing, so trust me when I say ya’ll are gonna be in for quite the trip! 😉
To be fair, some days this whole thing does feel like some grand myth – scientifically implausible, yet persisting. Undying. I know I’ll have to get back to reality per se soon enough, since my contract is only until the end of September to allow me to focus on my 3rd year of university. However, I am certainly gonna miss how amazing this whole damn experience has been – learning so much about the practical process of bringing a game together in an environment of incredible individuals, making pieces I can be proud of that I can soon put in my resume to show my growing skills, heck, even just the chance to immortalise my thoughts in this article. It’s mad. But good. And, somehow, real.
As I write this, I have my ‘Stupengineer’ badge sitting in front of me on my desk (as well as some other NDA-covered trinkets!), which I got on the day after the studio was announced, the same day when we agreed on the terms of my internship. And while yes, I am a Stupengineer (Stupendintern to be pedantic), I still don’t fully understand why I have it. But despite that, it’s evident those I’m working with on the team do. How or why is a bloody mystery to me, and I suspect will be for a while longer still.
So, for the time being, even if I don’t trust in myself, I will trust their trust in me. I trust that one day I will understand. And, with each moment I work on this, I trust that I’m getting slowly closer to one day taming that stupid, scary, special little phoenix. Maybe even teaching it a few tricks. Some air somersaults would be sick. I can picture the scorching aerial trails illuminating the dusk sky now. A handmade aurora, sewn stitch by stitch into a vast expanse of the growing night, threads forged in a metallic strength, and sparkling honesty. A broiling tapestry of a stabilizing mind.
One day at a time though.
First, I should probably start by buying a desk with a higher melting point…
Article Featured Image by Impera Kween
